The 7 Stages of Crack Cocaine Use

0 to 7 Stages of Crack Cocaine Use and Withdrawal Pattern

0) Currently using: Auditory hallucinations, hypertensive, hyper vigilant. During usage a person may think they hear sirens, cars pulling up outside, music, people talking, etc. Some people will experience tactile hallucinations such as skin crawling or seeing bugs on their skin. They will be extremely alert to the point of paranoia — perhaps suspicious of any movement around the area where they are using. It is common to hide out in the area where use is occurring and refuse to answer the door.

1) Panic stage: 1-3 hours after last use. During this phase money for more is the prime concern. In this phase a person may look for something around their house to sell or pawn or may consider where they may beg, borrow or steal something to sell for cocaine. Looking for lint on the rug hoping something has fallen is common at this point. In this acute withdrawal period, people have been known to try to rob crowded public places (mall stores, convenience stores, fast food restaurants) to obtain goods to sell or money for more crack. The withdrawal is so intense and craving so high that the person has little ability to think or reason logically.

2) Crash Stage: 3-24 hours after last use. Depression; remorse (suicidal); brain is in desperate need of rest but the chemicals (serotonin) necessary for sleep have been depleted and it is difficult, at first, to sleep. In this phase one wonders why they spent all their paycheck, used funds that did not belong to them, pawned valuable household items for less than actual value, stole from persons they truly care about, etc. Often, under the influence of cocaine-induced depression, one makes promises to never do it again in this phase and believes it. Highest risk for suicide is during this period.

3) Honeymoon Stage: 1-5 days after last use. Characterized by feeling very good. The craving is not noticeable or is easily manageable during this phase. The drug effects seem to be wearing off and one is starting to regain confidence in their ability to handle the addiction. During this phase it is common to hear a person say, “I don’t even think about it, I’m not going to have any problem with it. I do not even want it anymore.” A delusive way of thinking that ignores their past cycles and paves the way for the next binge. The chemical messengers of the brain (serotonin/dopamine) necessary to enjoy crack are still depleted and behind this lack of interest in crack. This is a dangerous stage as it is easy to think there is not a problem and therefore, why worry about it? People let down their guard during this phase and commonly use defense mechanisms, e.g., rationalizing and minimizing, to convince themselves this time they are cured and so have no need of further support or treatment. There is a high risk for people in treatment to leave during this phase as they no longer feel, or are aware of, the physical and emotional affects of the original crisis.

4) Return of Craving: 5-14 days after last use. Tremendous upsurge of acute drug hunger, depression, anger. The body has produced enough serotonin/dopamine for the person to want to use more cocaine but not enough to affect stability of mood and emotions. During this phase one may experience vivid dreams, fantasies, and acute drug hunger. Thoughts may cycle around using until a person feels like giving in to the obsession to use. Defense mechanisms (rationalization, intellectualization, denial, minimizing) begin to make a strong comeback after being knocked down by the original crisis.

5) Emotional Augmentation: 14-28 days start – up to 1-2 years. Over-response to the normal stress and events of everyday life. At the top of the mood swing one is unusually happy and at the bottom one is unusually sad. The state of making mountains out of molehills. This is related to biochemical responses induced by strong emotions that stimulate areas where mood and mind altering drugs act on the brain. The body is now seriously undertaking the repairs of areas damaged by drug use and is replacing important chemicals needed to regulate mood and emotions. As a result, one is slightly off balance chemically without being consciously aware of it. There there is a strong need for accurate feedback on one’s behavior from an objective support group. (Recommend AA or NA or another type recovery support group.) This cannot be stressed too highly for long term success in recovery. Also, low impact exercise – walking, jogging, bicycling, low impact aerobics – and a well-balanced diet will shorten this phase and reduce the severity of the symptoms. Irritability, depression, anxiety, mood swings, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, short attention span, nightmares, insomnia, fatigue, and headaches are some of the normal recovery symptoms of the emotional augmentation stage.

6) Covert Cravings: 28-35 days. Secrets and bad judgments characterize this phase. Craving is not as strong on a regular basis but one may have periodic strong cravings and not want to admit it for various reasons. Thinking it is a sign of weakness, poor moral character, that they are not working a good program, that they simply should not be having cravings. Generally, the cravings are of a low level, e.g. euphoric recall (glorifying war stories), vivid dreams that trigger cravings upon awakening, or just general mild drug hunger. Without someone to talk with concerning these normal protracted withdrawal symptoms, they can evolve into high level cravings, e.g. acute drug hunger, drug seeking behavior, obsession and on to compulsion. Again the need for a support system is strongly recommended.

7) Cue Conditioning: 35 days upward. Cue conditioning – referred to as triggers – could be money, anger, disappointment, music, a film, or extreme joy. Anything strongly associated with using could cue/trigger a craving. The strength of these cue cravings will diminish in time but continue on for years although becoming few and far between. They can catch a person off guard and evolve into higher level cravings. Again, a long term support plan for sobriety AA/NA or recovery support group is recommended to alleviate these natural manifestations.

It is a normal part of recovery to have strong cravings due to acute withdrawal 3-7 days and then continued cravings at a lower level well into protracted withdrawal 6 months-2 years. Time and severity of protracted withdrawal depend upon type, amount, and frequency of drug used. Again, a program of good nutrition and low impact exercise can alleviate these normal recovery symptoms.

Please note that behavioral symptoms: compulsion, obsession, loss of control over time, place, amount used and continued use despite adverse consequences are secondary symptoms of the disease process. With continued treatment of the disease with abstinence and a good support system, these behavioral symptoms will diminish to normal discussions over time.


Note: “The 7 Stages of Crack Cocaine Use” originally appeared on my blog, ChosenFast.com.

The above information was provided to a friend of a friend of mine in 2000 while he was in detox for crack cocaine addiction, and she recently emailed me a copy when she learned I was going to write about crack and homelessness. Thanks, friend. 🙂

>> See also, “What You Need To Hear About Crack Cocaine”

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1,066 thoughts on “The 7 Stages of Crack Cocaine Use

  1. Sharon know wot u mean gal,my daughter made me chose ma grandson or ma husband&hi chose that dickead truth e makes me feel stronger sorry 2 say it it. B. my win u c I’ll av I’m xxxxsharon luv ya I cud nt do wot ur doin or is it me 2 cum xxxccc

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  2. Sharon I love u Bbz,told my old man bout u ur battles so on said all I’m gonna b left wid is a sick man his kids r getting older but will find out 1 day they luv me& him so much it’s unreal,can’t understand y his stop using now,y cudnt e do this wen on ma arse?michelle ope u on the mend gal ap wots wow lol xxxx2 everyone. Special x to my m8 Ali xxxx

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  3. Goin bk on sum of these posts. Catchin up shud. I say, fuck I hate crack&how it destroys I hate readin the positions it puts plp, Dennis ma heart goes out to you,but u gotta do summit Bbz,don’t take this the wrong way but ur mam knows now which is good but does she know wot it can turn u in2 deep down Bbz? Guessing ur mams old?i love a crack ead&its took my health took my we’ll being my weight, I’ve been bullied big time threatened,I’ve been made to feel the not normal one,even thought of suicide few times,mental hey!thats cuz of ow crack got me,Bbz u want ur mam to feel like that?u av to b strong plz don’t use ur mam cuz she wants to help u,Alex my darlin ur birds in 2 deep know u luv her but she’s on self destruct,think out u Hun,she cudnt come ov it 4 her kids y 4 her man,it takes ur soul& don’t giv a fuck bout luv1s it will take ova u that u live day by day u will lk around&want a normal life I wud’nt wish this on my worst enemy,me I’m only just regaining my. Health my husband been clean 4 a while now but do I trust him noooooo,&thats his fault,waitin 4 one more fuck up&im outa ere,not. Of this site thou lol,read the posts Bbz,Ali ope ur fine,my life mirrors urs a lot ow many chances we giv em?sharon my m8 u r so strong u make me laff get out wid the gals get a bit of fun u av supported ur man throu his addiction look ow e is now but e as fingers crossed beat it,ap u make me laff ur worker ummmmm lol,Bbz u av got sum lovely qualities stay clean&bet ur meet sum1 nice,love u all I ope I av not upset anyone cuz don’t mean to,yeah ap ow come u put wow on post?chin up everyone&lets try&fight together xxxxx

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    • Thanks Shaz,
      Its always good to know that I have “real champs” in my corner pulling for me! That really, really helps. I feel such a unique closeness to you, Al and Sharon. Ha, and think about this, we could all be in a lift together some day and never even know it!!!

      Which is why when I read Sharon’s last post, I was left speechless. I wanted to say “hell if its that bad, why wait for him to have a fling. Lets you and me have at it !!!!

      LMAO!!!

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      • oh Lordie AP, I got such a giggle from your post! Hey I take the good with the bad and I was just havng the bad outweigh the good that day. I am so lucky to have you and Al and Shaz. As I have said many times, this is the only place I am 100% honest and it feels good not to always put on the stupid happy face. Speaking of AL..where are you? Bad enough we had to worry about Shaz for a while, do not make us worry bout you! AP, what was your final decision pertaining to your therapist? In a week and a half I am going on vacation or holiday as Shaz would say it and am really looking forward to seeing old friends ,visiting old haunts and relaxing! I need a break from real world especially work, and am going to sleep late eat fattening foods and stay up late talking with old friends. Life is good!!!!! Peace and love to all and especially AP for making me feel less of a slug and more of a person!

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  4. Yes, A.P. nice one! I doubt if you could find anyone better than Sharon B. with the love, the loyalty and patience she has. Thanks for worrying about me Sharon. I have been reading about you all…just couldn´t bring myself to comment because I have a new turmoil that I need all your advice on my friends. Glad Shaz is back on her (ha ah…yeah, making fun of your accent)…as you had us all VERY worried and before you mentioned suicide…I had already guessed it. And yes, we do mirror ourselves alot and probably why I was SO worried about you. But I have come to resolve that no one that makes us feel so bad is worth losing our life over.

    Here is my dilema…First off…have you ever felt something for someone and you just know that they are thinking about you, caring about you, want to be with you even though you haven´t seen or heard from them in a long time? But you just KNOW and can´t get them out of your mind?

    Well after the last visit where I was manipulated to ask if my ex could get out of rehab…to help me (which he did alot…painted and did a repair for me) but then did one of his hissy fits, and burnt my new sheets ironing on them and arguing with me about trading MY car in for a pick up which I want to do but wanted to call them and find out if there was even one I might be interested in instead of driving on some gnarly roads to get there….was not a pleasant or relaxing time for me. Don´t know if he is still jonsing for the drugs…or what AND I found some MJ that wasn´t there (hidden in a place I had previously looked in about a week earlier that wasn´t there…until his visit and he SWEARS it wasn´t his). I just have my doubts if my waiting for him for 7 or more months is even worth it.

    Here is my dilema and what I just wrote about with my ex…is why I started really thinking about this other man. Well low and behold…I ran into him at the bar near my place and was called over the moment I walked in! It was this man I had a smacking great time with prior to meeting my ex bf. I am friends with his whole family that live a few miles away….he however lives in another town not too far but has been hooked up with a lady he has two kids with. He never expresses his thoughts or feelings with his family but with me he shares everything! He asked if I was still with the ex. I couldn´t really explain all because of all the people around and I asked if he was and he said no. And he said Do you ever think about me? Why I asked and he said he thinks about me alot and wished I had never hooked up with the bf! And he said that we had gotten along really well, and I said yes, we laughed a lot and could talk about everything and anything. And yes, we are very attracted to one another. He is so HOT! Makes me nervous when I see him and he me…but once we sit and talk that all goes away. Here is my dilema….I don´t want to do anything to hurt my ex bf who still believes we are a couple in his mind. I told you I am not having anything intimate with him. But he won´t let it go and I DO still love him…the good in him…not the stuff he does that makes me suffer so much. This other person is not an alcoholic, or druggie, and works hard and is not looking for a place to live or anything even serious at this point…but we spoke about escaping somewhere together…as I said so You want to abduct me? I KNEW he was thinking about me, because I was thinking about HIM and HE came out with all of that stuff FIRST…Yes, the man who never shares his thoughts or feelings…told me exactly how much he had been missing me! I know neither of us want to go out of this world without having made love to one another first. And I DID have a fling with him FIRST prior to the ex. But never went for it completely as I am a guarded woman. I try to be but this is driving me crazy! I am not getting any younger and I have this hot babe that communicates with me telepathically and do I just ignore these feelings and hide? Or do I act upon them?

    God I hate this life too Shaz! I am not even married…but where I live …if you have lived together …they almost consider you are married for life…so you must consider this too. But I am a western woman with real feelings and normal sexual desires and I don´t want to have my doubts about my ex. But he keeps showing me the doubts! He keeps saying how things are going to be…but the actions…I just don´t know. He is very loyal though and calls me 3 times a day! I know he is not a cheater. I don´t want to hurt him or have him think I cheated on him if he were to ever find out. I really want him clean and sane ….but some of his things will be very hard to break…the lying, the stealing, …will I always have my doubts about my ex? Will I always be traumatized thinking of things he may have taken from the house….or have to eagle eye watch him like a babysitter the rest of my life? I want a relaxing, tranquil life is what I told him today and asked him if he thought the last visit here was that way for me? He said No, it wasn´t. I said then why do you keep asking me to ask for permission to get you out of there to come here. I don´t want you here after the last visit!

    Any suggestions my dear friends? I so hate this drug. If it wasn´t in the way….I wouldn´t even have to ask this question of you all.

    Thank you very, very much cause I am in a lot of turmoil. Even though I feel the love of many good people. Hope you can help me see things clearly. Looking forward to your comments.

    Al ( I am a woman btw for those who don´t know me and wish to give any advice)

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  5. Not a problem Sharon,
    Glad to help in any way I can. I figured you were just having a crappy day and thought that I would lighten the mood a little. And yes, its so nice to have a place to come and feel completely free. To share in whole spectrum of the human experience. The peaks the valleys and all in between. And as you always say ” and not be judged”.

    Sounds like you really need that break from work. So by all means, turn the ponies loose and enjoy your hometown visit. Like you said Life is good!!! (and short).

    (Hang on Al, you are up next.)

    Funny that you should mention my therapist. Just a couple of days ago I noticed this weird “shift” taking place with me in regard to her. Remember I said that we see what we want to see? Well now that I am no longer looking through the goo-goo eyes of a love- struck 8th grader. (Thanks largely in part to you guys). I see her differently now. She’s no longer the goddess that I was ready to fall at the feet of. She a human being with flaws and shortcomings. And with whom outside of my infatuations have nothing really in common with. Matter of fact, I have been thinking about scaling back our sessions from once or twice a week to as needed only. Now I kind of feel like a slug.(lol).

    Now, my good friend Al,

    Right now, I have only one question that I want to be absolutely clear on. Are you saying that the ex wants to bail rehab?

    I will reserve further comment until I hear back from you as your answer will heavily influence my reply.
    love ya……

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    • Hey all, I have been pondering Al’ s question and I am stymied. First if all Al, your ex is very good I think at manipulating you. For example, you brought him home on furlough. And sweetheart I understand the pain you are in, I really do. I was so alone for the months that my hubby was not here and I missed him like crazy. My biggest fear for you is that you will get to be my age and be in the same boat I am because you keep taking him back. I think I have about twenty years on you and I would hate for you to spend the next twenty in pain and sadness. Now it may appear hypocritical for me to be saying do not take him back when I took my husband back. However for new readers, when I met him he was about 7 years clean, married him when he was close to ten years clean and then he went stupid for a few months until I caught him. He was out immediately and after many months of counseling I gave him ONE chance. That one chance is now over two years clean. But I absolutely will never give him another chance. Does it again and I am done..he knows it, I know it, my family knows it and his family knows it. So Al back to you……I just have a very bad feeling about your ex. You are so smart and you know what I am talking about. But before immersing yourself in another relationship, perhaps a little more time alone to clear your head. Your lady bits(I threw that in for your Shaz) will not rust and we always make fun of men thinking with their little heads….I am asking you not to fall into that trap. Set a time limit to be alone and at the end of that time maybe you will be able to decide what is best for you.

      AP, I am anxiously waiting for Al to respond to you because I know your advice will come from a place of love and concern, as did mine. Shaz, love you girl! Peace and love to all

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  6. Hi Sharon B and A.P. and all.

    Glad you are mending Michelle. Great to hear! I have just had to turn the phone off because the ex…lied to the people in REHAB to come and see me. Who said I was ready to have him here? He does continue to lie and to manipulate. He swears he isn´t consuming but we are getting close to the 3 month mark and if he isn´t…he is looking for an excuse not to be in there. Working daily outside of there and I don´t like his attitude. After 2 months…he was a gem. He was all about being honest WITH everyone, etc. So prior to this I was going to answer no he doesn´t want to bail on rehab and he is there….but I wonder IF HE IS THERE? If you know what I mean.

    Ha ha Sharon the plumbing won´t get rusty. I am taking my time and have been staying at home not to bump into anyone anymore. Why do I have to suffer this way for something I never consumed. For getting involved with a crack addict. I have been told by my friends recently that I have suffered enough and it is time to have a break and to not go back to that again. So like my friends and you are Sharon B. Thank you.

    It is really hard A.P. Not that I am that lonely. But many things remind me of him and his calls and texts that don´t stop…don´t help either. He is threatening to come here tomorrow anyway. I had to speak to one of his sponsor type person there and had to ask if he was doing alright and he said he is doing really well. It may just be me…with my doubts and that it is all a process and maybe the lying and manipulation will go away later….but I doubt it. It is almost too ingrained if you know what I mean. Did your husband lie and manipulate too in the beginning when you caught him Sharon? Does he still? I DO really love him but as I told him….I have no room in my life for any liar (not to me…but to the folks in the rehab) just to see me. But he also keeps manipulating as you said Sharon…do you have a looking glass or a magnifying glass Sharon? But I do miss him. I have plenty to do and people to hang out with that I try to keep my mind off of him.

    So…??? Yes, too I agree with A.P. sounds like you really need a break from work. Glad your husband is not consuming and A.P. you too otherwise you wouldn´t be able to give such great suggestions and am waiting to hear now…your thoughts.

    Am glad you got a new overall or clearer view or a different view or all 3 of your therapist. As they say…people try to show their best qualities when you first meet them…then after a while you start to see new things, and then more things and then some you can´t even live with. But any how….glad you get to see everything clearly A.P.! That means more than any old relationship anyway.

    No I don´t want to keep up believing if the signs aren´t there to believe. I know he is trying so hard though and I want to support him ….but when he doesn´t show it…it is really hard for me and I feel like I keep suffering and why? I think the hottie I mentioned had seen this from the start because he mentioned remember when I came over when that guy who became your bf came over? And I never liked him right? And kept asking me…almost to see if I was alright. Guess that telepathy is stronger than I thought or maybe I am just reading into it like you A.P. but am keeping my distance from everyone …and is starting to feel couked up. But I also feel what my ex feels still and that may be driving him crazy as well. I don´t know. I don´t know anythng anymore. So if you are willing to share your thoughts with me ….I am all ears.

    hugs and much love,
    Al
    Hi everyone else…Shaz, Michael, Paul E. etc.

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  7. Hey everyone.al readin ur post made me smile gal,u av been throu so much wid ur bf,u don’t trust him prob Neva will, I don’t my husband,his not doin crack but the tears the hurt is on my mind 24/7,but I agree with Sharon take ur time, stay on ur own for a bit try& sort ur head out,b strong cuz ur bf gonna put the pressure on u big time to have him back u know that,ure gona av mixed feelings,say u got with this ova man but ur x makes u feel that guilty u go bk to him?u wud mess this ova mans head in plus he wud end his realionship for u to b with u just for u to get bk wid ur x,how then again puts u into the unhappy dark world girl,ap u make me laff when u posted she’s not looked upon as goodness anymore lol god u must ov had it bad,suppose in addiction there’s gona b someone that comes along that turns our heads sum one we see as fresh. & normal not touch by crack that helps us the loved ones or an addict,everyday I think ma husband wiv another so much it eats away at me& my heart,,….don’t know wot future holds with me xxx love to u all xxx

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  8. Hello Al,

    I would like to pick up where Sharon and Shaz left off, and then take it to the next level.
    Both made good, solid, sound suggestions in my opinion. So what I would like to do is respond to you in three stages.
    1st As a friend

    2nd As an addict in recovery

    3rd As a defacto social activist

    As a friend;
    By not having the pleasure of ever meeting you in person. All I can do is ride with what you choose to share with us online. Really, we can only scratch the surface of these very complex issues. But we do the best we can with what we have to work with. Yes, you are very sharp. Yes, we all love your style. When you are at the top of your game, I have seen few that can hold a candle to you. This is coming from a 57 year old man who has been in some type of therapy or another for 3/4 of his life. However, in this case I don’t think that it is advice that you seek. I feel that its validation. Validation so that your “heart” can have what it thinks it desires. (I CARE TOO MUCH FOR YOU AL TO GIVE IT TO YOU SOFT). I say this because deep down inside. Where the “truth” lives. You already know the answer. I simply refuse to believe otherwise. That small, still voice that dwells inside all of us is tugging at you right now. We just sometimes choose to turn the volume down. If not off altogether. I don’t care what we call it. Universal Mind, Higher Consciousness, Inner Self or Holly Ghost. Its there!!!

    It was the same way with me and my therapist. I already knew deep down inside that what you ladies said was truth before you even said it. But my “heart” wanted you to say “ooooh, ahhhhh A.P. that is so romantic. I wanted you to shout ” YES YOU FOOL,WHAT ARE WAITING FOR, SMOKE SIGNALS? But you didn’t give me what I wanted. You gave me what I needed. Honesty. I wanted so bad to hear those things because I am very lonely right now. Even when I have a warm, soft body lying beside me. I still feel cold and alone. Because I know that its just a matter of her body responding to mine and mine to hers. Nothing more, Nothing less. Empty.

    Very good idea for you to just chill right now. Because your emotions have clouded your judgment. And that makes you vulnerable. I personally am not a fan of rebound relationships anyway.
    While you are alone, do you journal? This helps me a lot. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk to another person about a certain thing. But at the same time I need to get it out of me. Or better yet, why not write Al a letter and let Al respond. This plays to your strength. Might sound crazy ,might not…..

    So take it from this old, battle scarred warrior. I believe Albert Einstein was right, “Insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different result”.

    As an addict in recovery;
    Remember a couple of months ago when the ex went back into rehab. I told you that as long as he was fighting for his life. I would fight with you both. Now I no longer see a fighter. I see a quitter. You deserve better than that. As both you and I have said to others. This thing must and will run its course. Now don’t get me wrong. There is nothing mystical about rehab( yes I do know what you mean about if he is really there!) Nor is there anything magical about meetings. Same can be said for church. Or whatever. I have done all three at different times in my life and did nothing but daydream and bullshit all the time I was there. And when the dope kicked my ass again I would say “see! this shit don’t work.!

    Rehab is designed to be a safe place where we learn to face adversity in life without running to the dope man. To Stand. You are spot on about the 3 months period. Some meetings give out a RED chip at 3 months. When we first go into rehab its ” I need help, I will do whatever you say do, please just fix me !! 3 months later its” fuck you!! I’m outta here!!!

    As you well know Al, as long as he’s trying to do it for you. To get you back. He might as well leave. But go somewhere other than your place!!! Recovery is a process. It requires a complete re-learning of old ideas and concepts. Unfortunately relapse is also a process. It starts long before the lighter touches the crack rock.

    As a defacto social activist;
    I am a huge football fan. But you don’t have to be a fan to know about the domestic abuse charges that have made headlines in the N.F.L. lately. People are wondering how can a woman get knocked out cold by a man. Then marry the same man 2 weeks later. Well I just finished a book that while it didn’t really provide any solutions. It sure as hell changed “my thinking”. The book is “Struggle For Intimacy” By Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed,D. Dedicated to adult children of alcoholics. But I think every man and woman can benefit from reading it.

    Love you all !!!!!

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    • Ahhhh AP..dammit that was perfect. And here is the one thing that constantly amazes me…..every crack addict, alcoholic, drug abuser I have in my life and have known have all been kind and sweet and gentle and loving and smart and compassionate WHEN they are not using. And that is the thing that probably pisses me off the most….that you are all that and it makes it hard for us to let you go..dammit AP, YOU HAVE PROVED YOURSELF TO BE ALL THE ABOVE THINGS! Love to all

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  9. Sharon,
    Thank you! That makes perfect sense. (and don’t forget hard working). Coming from you I consider that a true complement.

    However I would like to make one correction. I said, that small still voice dwells in all of us. There is one small group that is exempt. They are called psychopaths!!

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  10. Wow…Shaz, AP, Sharon B….you all are so special! I can´t thank you all enough for your insight, your thoughts, and all that you shared with me. As we do seem to get cloudy…and not able to think straight…just like the addicts we are attached to…I got this from all of you…lets see if I got it straight.

    1. It is HARD to become unattached to someone kind, loving, smart, etc when they are not using.
    2.) It is lonely without them but one must be strong and stand on their own two feet listening to the real voices inside of us.
    3.) Not to make any rash decisions and give it some time on my own.
    4.) Not to confuse things more by getting another person involved with me just yet.
    5.) Wait and see if he follows through with this rehab treatment and do it for himself, not to get me back, but for himself.
    6.) Not to look for validation because the kind words you have for me is and should be validation enough.

    And there was a lot of feelings too like confusion, never being able to trust, not having to babysit the rest of my life…etc. and abuse which I don´t need…even though he was never in the NFL…I believe I had a bit of an abusive upbringing so that seems natural for me and I need to break that cycle. And have done well to do so as I can finally stand up for myself…took years though.

    And so much more that I can´t put into words. I am going to take your advice and am very appreciative for the time and thought you put into this matter and for writing to me heartfeltly..(I think I just made up a new word but you know what I mean or you would not have done what you have for me). THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

    XOXOXO
    Al

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  11. Shaz, you doll. My deepest concern for you with regards to your man. I know you are suffering and it is because it all weighs so heavily on us every minute of every day. You have been through enough yourself and like you…who knows what the future will hold for us. Please be safe gf as you deserve a GREAT life…not such an iffy one. If he is with another bird, if he is going to use again, if I can carry on with this, if if if if if …if only they would stop using for good and so much would be resolved. And a GREAT life would be on the cards! Special hug and kiss to you kiddo. Sending strength and love!
    Al

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  12. Hey al gal I’m fine just preparing myself really,I don’t wait on the good anymore I spoil everything at the minute I’m so negative with my man can’t let go ov past.his tryin so hard,but I ain’t no more,ma ead so messed up unreal want old me back.then e b fucked,how can a crack ead b clean afta all this time afta his destroyed? Finally puttin on weight got my dreaded period back lol.al if sum1 took fancy to me I’d luv it but my heart wid. That twat xxxxx

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  13. Hi Shaz and all. I also don´t wait on the good anymore. Usually it never comes. This drug is so so so so bad that it leaves us all in turmoil. Destroys minds, bodies, relationships, and no way can one have a normal life with consuming it. There is just no way. My ex showed up uninvited this past weekend. Even hitched the last 7 km to get here because I refused to pick him up. He did go to an NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting with me and they called him on it. They said you can dress differently, tell us what you think we want to hear(like being in a rehab) but you can´t manipulate us or pull the wool over our eyes when we are the best of the best in knowing how to manipulate others. We got back to my place and he said…It´s ok, go out with the girls and I did a few blocks away. Whilst later I found out he was smoking cigarettes AND drank the last of my white wine (wasn´t much) but he KNEW he could not, should not, consume anything that affects the 45 day mark he had reached! NOW he has to start ALL over to reach that 45 day mark again! BEcause of this he once again… lied to me, he stole from me AGAIN ($10) and took something of mine. I got it all back before he left after having revised his things and him and once again having put me into doing the babysitting thing. I had spent the entire weekend saying to him that I did not see him doing well. That his lack of therapy and going to work outside of the rehab was doing him NO GOOD at all. That he needed to be participating to be able to progress.

    Well, fortunately by us ALL calling him out on it…he had enough neurons left to realize that he was falling right back into his old ways and if he continued he would be using crack again shortly in another relapse. HE WOKE UP and I hadn´t answered his calls or texts all day and today, 1 day he didn´t lie about anything and I tested this by calling his mom early to see if he would call her and tell her everything he did to me while he was here, and thankfully he did call her (like he texted me he would) and told her everything he did to me. She thanked me and is glad he is once again putting his head to the grind stone and realized before failing completely or smoking crack again (which he was close to relapsing) if he had not spent that time with me. I am only grateful for that….but I just can´t do this anymore. Nor do I want to. As I have said…My friends worry about me that I have suffered enough with him and it is true. My heart continues to ache…literally and I just can´t do it anymore.

    I want the best for him, but this is killing me.

    Best to all.
    Al

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  14. Sorry my last post on ere I put Sharon wen it’s me shaz!,my husband bein so good,but think I’ve lost it wid him& he’s feelin it,god I use to feel like this wiv x wen got bored wid them think he has chucked everything at me.feel getting stronger.feel can b wid out him,he says just wants me to b happy again feel his lyin.how can e b clean afta al this time? Ali chin up gal. Xxx

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    • Hi Shaz and all. I knew it was you not Sharon…but thought maybe Sharon was having us on…ha ha. But then knew from your heart it was you. I feel for ya babe. It is so damn frustrating. I am so TIRED of it and just want out now. I so love him, but can no longer live with him and his insincere ways. I know he has his heart in the right place but his actions are so ingrained that he himself having no reason now to lie, or steal continues to do so. He has decided he really needs help and that is the only GOOD that came out of the visit…but how long will that last? And what guarantee do I have that he won´t continue to hurt me…NONE! THIS IS WHY I want out. He keeps saying things for change, but actions speak more than words and I just am not seeing it…however I know it is a LONG process and I would be prepared to wait if I KNEW he would change but I have been over and over with this that I just don´t want to do it anymore…maybe the hope has left me with his latest actions that were downright cruel.

      So…I am now open to a new relationship but one where there is no drug, alcohol, gambling, porno, womanizing type of addictions. May not find anyone right? ha ha.

      Oh well…take care as you too deserve the best. You don´t need to feel like less than what you truly are and when it affects your surroundings, work, kids, whatever…and you dont see a future…then think about your future. If he is really trying, he is your husband and you want to see the best for him and your kids. I like doing the help at a distance now and this is the best way for me to handle this situation.

      Hugs my friend and you too keep your chin up. 🙂

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  15. Al u know go 4. It as said b4 ourivws mirror fuck gal,we r getting older ma god I wud lol sold ma ova Ouse I ain’t got ova little 1st his kids ! Ap cumin to u 4 a Holls or American vacation xxxc

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  16. Hello all…I can relate to what u all are going thru. My husbnd is in prison again, second time for two years, he got out in May of 2013 and messed up on crack & probation again got sent back for two more years and we have only been married since 2010. I am sooo tired and cannot live like this anymore. He doesn’t want to divorce of course, but I do. He had done horrible things to me for crack and now again he says God has changed him. Well I have learned and gone thru so much hell, in spite of how much I love him, I cannot let him come back here based on his words which hold no weight at all! He will do it all on his own this time! No more of the BS can I take from him…it’s all the same when dealing with crackheads…if if if if and we do have to babysit them and worry WHEN…NOT IF…BUT WHEN will they go crazy for crack again..constant problem that never ends. He told me that he doesn’t know really what’s goin to happen, but he will fight it everyday….risky & scarry…what happens when u choose crack again and crack wins the fight? See, he did not tell me he was a crack addict before we got married, I found out only one month after on his first trip to jail for domestic violence. He now has another year in prison, he turned 50 yesterday and had had mothing but problems most his life behind crack…..I will not let him use, abuse, manipulate or get over on me again! It’s time for this old man to get it together or he can marry his crack cuz I will be gone forever!!

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    • Good Lord funkie, your story so close to mine in many ways. I also did not know when we got married and found out 2 months later. He has never been in jail or raised a hand to me, but his use of crack behind my back and not telling me is also very abusive. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I took him back and he has been clean for over two years and he is old…60! I stopped babysitting a few months ago cuz I just could not do it any more or maybe I no longer cared if he wants to use and go kill himself. Love him with all my heart, but willing to let him do what he will do because the consequences are either death, jail or a life on the streets. His choice. We all support you in anything you decide and if you want to come on here and just rant, we will listen and offer advice if you ask. Otherwise just know that we here, both addicts and lovers of addicts know, really know what you are going through. love to all

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  17. Flfunk,ma heart goes out to u, think this site will. Helpi u. Bbz, think lot on ere feel the same, had anoth want out,.but a stupid part ov our hearts make us want to giv um 1 more chance then we r waitin again mental hey,wen r we gona feel happy normal again ?we did b4 we met them xxxxx2u all

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  18. SHARON, A.P.,SHAZ, AL.AND ALL MY CHOSENFAST CREW.
    hey guys and gals. the crazy Indian broad is back. but not so crazy this time. I got some real heavy shit to lay down on you. so I will cut straight to the chase. remember the guy who raped me? well he did the same thing to another 14 year old girl on the rez the other day. But this time boy, did he pick the wrong one. This girl has 3 brothers who everybody knows are not troublemakers, BUT ARE NOT TO BE CROSSED! they caught up with him and beat him within a inch of his life with baseball bats. he has a cracked skull and damned near every bone in his body is broken. he is in a coma and word has it, if by some miracle he lives, he will be a vegetable. when I heard about it I was elated! I could hardly wait to get back to the rez, go the hospital and spit in his face. and say you see! you can’t do what ever you want to people and expect to just waltz thru life foot loose and fancy free. THERE WILL BE A DAY OF RECONING. that was my plan. but when I got to the hospital and saw him everything changed. something strange came over me. I found myself standing there with tears in my eyes. I never ever, ever in a million years thought that I would ever feel anything like compassion for a serial child rapist. I wondered what besides the meth and alcohol could turn a human into a animal. what he did to us was wrong but what made him that way? after about 5 minutes I whispered under my breath “I forgive you” and walked out. I know he could not hear me and will probably never hear another human voice.it don’t matter, I didn’t say it for him. I said it for me. and for the first time in all those years, I felt free. A.P you said I was in like a lion and out like a lamb on this site. well I was the same way at the hospital. yeah Sharon, your little girl grew up over nite. It was like the weight of the world was lifted. could I have forgave him if I hadn’t seen him like that? I may never know. and I don’t care. the fact is its done. A.P. I read where you told somebody that the disease of addiction was like a fungus. it grows in the dark and hates the light of truth. hate is the same way. it eats you up from the inside out and hate breeds even more hate. forgiveness is like bathing in a warm stream. it cleanses the soul and purifies the spirit. and it all stared with you folks. after all the ugly things I said to you guys you forgave me. I think the seed was planted then. I still read some your post from time to time even if I don’t comment. you will always have a warm place in my heart.
    may the Almighty keep you in his arms.

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    • OMG>>>>JACKIE!!!!!!!! Well, my girl, what a wonderful surprise to see you back here. I am crying to know that you were able to let go of the hate and so very very proud of you. I am not sure I could have done that. We miss you a lot and I think of you often hoping life is turing out the way you want it. I know you will be a big success and when you are please remember us little folks back here who truly cared and embraced you even tho you were a bit of a sh**head. Pop in from time to time to give us updates and so very very proud to call you my friend! Love

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  19. Jacqueline,

    Wow, wow, and wow! What you wrote was so moving it brought me to tears. And I also got goosebumps! I can´t even begin to imagine the pain you have been suffering for all these years (as mine has been a different kind of pain)….at 14 taking your innocence away and having to see that person all the time(I remember you mentioning that in a previous email and that really stuck in my head and hurt me as I thought how horrible that would be)….holding hate in your heart for everyone and even yourself as you presented yourself in ….forgive me an ugly hateful manner…like Sharon B. said a bit of a sh_t head to say the least. But yes, I can see why…you hated the world for what it dealt you. You hated that there was no one to protect you, you hated yourself for what had been done to you, and that hate like you said brought more hate. It presented you as a hateful person, and probably brought you more hateful people to accompany you that would have done you no good at all.

    The way you expressed yourself on here about this man who had done this to you, and to another 14 yr old girl, most likely may have been done to him (and maybe by a woman…you never know-have you thought about that? Guess it really doesn´t matter now as you have come to peace with it all now)….But he STILL chose to continue to harm others and I so believe in Karma and I don´t know how you could find forgiveness as I am glad they beat the crap out of that guy with baseball bats and maybe remaining in a coma or as a vegetable he will never hurt another little girl again! I was so happy to hear this like you were initially. REALLY HAPPY actually.

    Although you may think I have had a cushy life, or the rest of us you thought have had (that is how you expressed yourself at first anyway)…which now that you have read about us probably know we have all suffered and I have been date raped which I don´t discuss and had the same person have a huge knife across my throat. A husband that beat me up and kicked me while pregnant in the stomach delivering 2 1/2 wks early…but I still felt your pain even if it is different then mine.

    I have written on here a quote my mother told me a long time ago…It doesn´t matter where you come from, but what you do with your life that matters.

    You are now doing so much with your life and fast. Take your time so you get it all down correctly….but from reading what you wrote…it sounds as though you are doing just that. I am amazed as to you being able to forgive yourself ….with what you whispered to him…and if he did hear it…let him rip as this is the bigger person that you are now becoming. And I am sure others on here that read your post and may not comment may come to learn to forgive and move forward like you are doing. Are you going to school now? No more drugs and alcohol?

    You sound so clear headed and not holding that anger and hate anymore in. Please remain positive and keep good positive people along side of you. Weed the nastys out as you have become a new (phew) lovely person that was always inside just waiting to come out…and you did need that anger to come out to be able to find the real you once again.

    Personally, I never wanted to address you again before….the others on here are more clued up than I, I think. But now….I am honored that you have shared so much with us and have had the joy to hear how you have moved forward. Please stay in touch and congrats for gaining a real life, and the one you deserve with no more hate to eat away at you from the inside out. That was before….I really, really, really like the YOU now! 🙂

    What a pleasure to hear from you and please stay in touch!!! CONGRATULATIONS HOORAY, YOU DESERVE IT Jacqueline!

    Al

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  20. Funkie and Sharon B.

    Funkie, good to hear you are getting strong and now realizing things that were withheld from you and that is no way to start a marriage or a life together and any addict thinking to do the same reading this is a FALSE person, and not representing himself or herself correctly. You want a real life, BE REAL! Face the truth and then maybe you can do something to make your lives better and without lies. As this has been a lie both Funkie and Sharon B. who both deserve better. I am glad Sharon B. that you are no longer babysitting…for a few months. How is that working out for you? Although I am no longer living with my ex….he still believes we are a couple and still draws me into babysitting him on the phone and has a really nice, caring, correct man who has given him employment now that he is not using but still uses this man to help him babysit. I reprimanded him for this and told him not to put that on the man…but as my ex said…it is all a process and he has been this way for such a long time that he is slowly trying to change. And yes, it takes time. Time to stop lying and such…but the only thing lying, cheating, and stealing from others is doing is hurting yourself, the addict and continues to have you on a path of downfall…instead of lifting yourselves up.

    Funkie, your story and strength amaze me. I need to get my feet on the ground and say NO MORE too! I have recently reached out to meet someone new because I have really not seen a change like you say…in actions other than his being in rehab. But the things he says he is going to do…he has not done. I ask if he has gone to therapy which is offered every day and he has not. But at least he is not lying to me in this instant. But I don´t know if he is lying in ALL the other things. I found out he was smoking which is a no no there because he needed 45 days clear of ANYTHING and was starting to act up again in his old ways and going toward relapse. I called him on it and luckily he listened after pointing out various things he was doing and others too called him out on…which made him realize it …and saved himself from using crack again but he was getting close, really close to using again. Phew I am glad he didn´t.

    Like both of you, I love him and still have this dream that he will be a normal person where I won´t have to babysit him but I think now that, that is only a dream because of the changes he says, by action that have not occurred. And thus the reason I have chosen to meet someone else. I have put almost 4 yrs of my life into him and recently my hair was falling out in gobs….every second another strand was on my arm…I couldn´t even cook..because they kept falling everywhere. I took a break this weekend, and decided to meet other people and now my hair is not falling out anymore.

    Weird…but guess I need to listen to my body…as my blood pressure was going up again too. I miss him, and still hang in there to help with his progress but don´t want him to have any false hopes that we will be back together. He needs to do this for himself.

    And we need to do what we need for ourselves.

    Shaz, you too girlfriend needs to look after yourself and glad you are putting weight back on. As for coming for a visit…I no longer live in the states…I live in Central America. Life is laid back here or I wouldn’t have even been able to get this far with this situation and crack is everywhere people. So so sad! Just stay away from it!

    As for those that read this for the first time and can see some of us are very tight with one another….I want you to know that we have never met, don´t know what any of us look like and don´t need to. We have grown close by sharing our stories, our concerns …for one another and for each and every one of you that has had their lives affected by this disease of addiction. If we don´t use or if we do…we are addicts to this disease and GOD help us all…but we are here for one another and you can tell your story or ask us for advice if you wish. It is totally anonymous I guess is what I have been trying to say and it has helped me immensely, and others too that wish to open up. All the best to all,
    Al

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    • Hey Al, this not babysitting thing is working great for me..lol..I just reached a point where quite literally I took it out of my hands, handed it back to him and said que sera sera It is such a relief to be responsible for myself and myself only. Funny thing when I look back, he has had a babysitter since he first got clean in 2012. He lived with another addict and they both stayed clean, so they both babysat. It was when we got married and then he had access to my bank account that he went stupid. Fortunately I caught him right away and was only out a couple thousand, but it still is not chump change and made me quite angry. At the time, his unemployment was being deposited in my bank account (ironically it was almost the same amount monthly that he stole from me, so I immediately took ALL the money out of that account, shut it down and opened another in my name only. Part of the money I took was the unemployment and he did not dare to ask for it . I am sure some reading here will think I am a hard a**, but I do not condone bad behaviour, especially when it is harmful to me and to them. Seems to be working. 28 months since he used, a couple of months since I stopped babysitting and all is good.

      Last week we went on vacation (holiday to you Shaz) and went back to my home town for a high school reunion. Was fantastic! And even though he could not always run around and be part of the group due to his bad health, I left him in hotel and went and did everything. Was so good to see all my friends. I was very social in High School and very active in many activities, so was just like old times for me. Funkie, I do not remember if I mentioned it but my husband and I are in our early 60’s, so this crap knows no age. A few months ago, we heard of an acquintance that is in his 70’s and after 20 years clean, decided to use crack again and was spending almost his entire retirement to the tune of $4000.00 A MONTH to use. So, my point is, think long and hard about your future. I think part of the reason I can actually let go and stop babysitting is I am firm in the knowledge that if he uses again, he is gone. I will not go through again what I went through. Exit plan would be a good name..I have an exit plan. Love to all of you and Shaz, pop in and say hi! AP, where are you my man?

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      • Thank you for your response Sharon B. I am so GLAD and RELIEVED that you are now getting a LIFE! I am so, so HAPPY for you! Glad you two could take a vacation! Glad you got to hang out with friends like old times! Glad you are not having to babysit anymore! I am so happy for you! Truly I am. If I could ever see that with my ex, I would hang in there. I just have my doubts like Funkie. So sad about the man you told us about…clean for so many years and then spending all is money at the end of his life! This scares me to DEATH! I don´t know if I want to get in any deeper. I feel like it may be over my head…all of this. Am afraid to take any further chances. You know I risked my life to save this man I love. If he were ever to get into it again, and then have to risk my life again…he may KILL me, if he can´t have me. I am actually scared of all of this.
        Al

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  21. IMPORTANT: Because of the trusting nature of the supportive relationships that have been built here, I am respectfully requesting that each commenter choose *one* identity only from which to post comments and respond to others’ comments. Please refrain from using multiple email accounts to create multiple identities for yourself on this web site. This should be a safe space for all those who read or comment here. Thank you. God bless you all. 🙂

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  22. Here I AM DOLL!
    And I am just sitting here eating all this up!! You, Al and Lady J all brought your A game today!! My heart is so full to have you all in my life. Damn this is a good, good day. I thought it might be a good idea for me to take a back seat for a minute while you ladies discussed
    “lady bits” and “rusty plumbing” etc…….. LMAO.!! just kidding.

    But seriously though
    Al, regarding the last sentence of your above post. I am very relieved to hear you say what you said. As I had always uttered a silent prayer on that very matter. But I didn’t want to spook you because I don’t know the man personally. I just can’t help but feel if a person refuses to face the reality that you are no longer a couple. After repeatedly being told otherwise. Well, that concerns me as well.

    Sharon, doll it is indeed unfortunate to hear about your acquaintance. This is the very reason that I tell people that knew me back when. That the 3 years I have is both monumental and at the same time its nothing. Because we never “arrive”. I have to walk out my door every single day suited and booted. Because traps and triggers are everywhere. And this disease never sleeps.

    Funkie, I don’t feel it appropriate for me to try to speak to your situation. So I will leave you in the very capable hands of Sharon, Al and Shaz. They have your situation dialed in.

    And now, my crown jewel, Lady J.
    You remind me of my very first drink of straight hard whisky. You were harsh, nasty, burned me inside and hit my stomach like a ton of bricks. And made me make all sorts of ugly faces. But slowly you started to mellow bit by bit as I acquired a taste for you. Now you got me hooked. In a good way.
    Good job kiddo. Good job indeed………..

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  23. Great to hear from you A.P. Clean out our rusty plumbing and other girly tidbits..ha, ha. Thank you for your concern, however please express anything you want. Am open to all suggestions. Sounds like you are doing well and I agree it is a good day, a very good day. 🙂

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  24. Hey everyone just readin bk on post Bbz Ap America bit far 4 me to holiday lol egypt 4a winter sun,need bit ov topless sunbathing omg women talk lol,funkie gal I got married in 2010 omg I wish my hubby got sent down wud ov been stronger into my self gal can’t u c the pattern? Good chance 4. U 2 get out,I’m stuborn not gona let man win but then again his not usin but damage been done only now I’m climbing up frm my well bein !jackie my Bbz u r a wonderful person so brave gal, ur a proper fighter!like al said wen u first came on ere u woz a biatch lol bit highly strung,mad with ur life,look ow far u av cum?u av more guts than me cuz I wud’nt b able to not turned the knobs machine ov the one that helps him to breath but u didn’t ur on the up gal &wid ur expirence in life will make u wanna ov the best so keep it up x Sharon Ali I’m still ere life ok but still I’m Neva happy,the hurt cut to deep but still can’t b wid out him love&hate him take 1 day at a time,sold my ova Ouse got money in seperate ac,just incase cuz can’t&I won’t go down again xxxxxlove u all

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  25. I just wanted to thank everyone who posts here, on behalf of a lot of other lurkers, I’m sure. A bit over a month ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of four months because I finally couldn’t be around the crack anymore. I know I was lucky to get off relatively easy/early, not to have spent too much of my life caught up. Yet I still struggle with the pain and guilt. He had a terrible childhood, awful family situation, and is full of hurt. He’s a sensitive guy and I just adore him, but as things became more chaotic, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was afraid of what I’d see. He lost a ton of weight, became skin and bones, was losing teeth, and was beginning to be completely obsessed with using. He was always obsessed, but there was less and less room for anything else as time went on. I’d say, “Want to go take a walk?” and he’s say, “I’m not walking anywhere unless it’s to go buy drugs.” The last time I saw him, it was on his birthday, and he was loving and grateful when he read my card, but then me and all of his other friends surrounding him with love that day wasn’t enough for him to last the gathering more than an hour, without leaving to go angle for drugs. I cried all the way home that day and knew I probably was never going back.

    We talked almost every day for weeks and it was so hard for me to find an honest but dignified way to talk to him about why I left. We were finally able to have some truthful–if brief–conversations about it. A recovered addict asked me once, “Have you told him you love him?” Only ten times every single time I talk to him.

    Thank you again for sharing what you all know, because it helps me be a little more realistic about the situation. I don’t feel he hurt me, so much as I hurt myself by longing for what can’t be and for chastising myself with guilt. On a certain level, it seems ridiculous to me, how the SO’s of addicts think, “Why can’t I be as good as a drug? That drug must be great! I must suck.” Of course it’s not so simple. He loves the drug, he does love other people, it’s a hard situation. There is nothing to be gained for me to stay in the situation when I simply can’t handle it.

    Now if I could get over worrying about it and feeling bad for leaving. I just got diagnosed with high blood pressure too.

    I would love to reach a place of hope where I can trust that God will take care of things. I would also love to reach a place of enough confidence and strength to know that I can and should be okay, even should my boyfriend never be okay. I hope I can ultimately learn that true happiness is something you can only give yourself and not get from another. I long for the place of love and peace.

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  26. Hey plp rec ur so brave lookin bk on my realionship how it all 1st started was naive bout crack &fell so deep for my man I wished like you shud of dump him but like a twat got heavier in2 him, which problay u wud ov 2,gal u had a lucky escape!i will state a lot of crackeads will say how bad there upbringing was or we make excuses for it,it don’t matta my husband had a good upbringing,but still got hooked,I’ve had a shit marriage cuz crack, did I turn to the shit noooo,but it nearly destroyed me will the past destroy me?wot crack has done to us,the evil shit truthful I don’t know I dout myself everyday!i know ma old man ain’t using, know where e is every sec ov the day but don’t know. If that’s anoth 4me anymore!

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    • Hey all. Just doing a check in…REC count your blessings my friend. You have saved yourself a lot of heartache. Give yourself time to heal and stay away from him. We all speak from experience. I know you love him but I have said it a million times…love is not enough. You cannot save him. He has to do it himself. and believe me, your love will eventually turn to resentment….on a daily basis, I cannot stand my husband and then I realize that I played a big part in this by trying to love the addict out of him, so really I am as much to blame as him for my situation. Then I have shining moments of love for him when I see the man I first fell for. One moment deep resentment, the next deep love..a conundrum for sure and not a real good way to have peace in ones life. But I carry on, and hope that my words help others before they find themselve in my position. So I am here to listen to you nd believe me, we lovers of addicts know exactly what you are going through and how you feel. Al, Shaz, AP and all others..wishing you peace and love..check in and let us know how you are doing

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  27. Shaz and Sharon B., thank you so so much for your support and your wise words. I really appreciate it. I’m so dumb. I did finally see him for a brief half hour, after not seeing him for months. The upshot is that since then I’ve barely heard from him and I have a huge feeling of being cut off. I knew that people get this way, but I’d never experienced it with him so directly, the feeling of, I just get in the way, so no more need for us to talk.

    It’s better to be a part of it and I really have to see this as a gift. I spent part of today calling treatment hotlines and trying to get advice and none of it was anything other than, consider an intervention, otherwise, if he doesn’t want help, he’s not getting it.

    I wanted to believe in our love. But he’s swept away right now. I’ll stay away because you all know best and it would be arrogant of me not to listen to good advice from people who have been there. You can’t have everything you want in life.

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  28. Hi rec,most ov us know wot ur goin throu most ov us av high b/p cums wid the addicts!& not forgetting loss ov weight,u av cut ur man ov good on u but plz don’t feel guilty,it’s his choosing,surprised he ain’t fretting by saying e will Neva touch it again shows you how much his in to it,read back on post,there’s so many that av been throu&still are going throu the hurt&betrayal,go and get a happy life gal xxx

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    • It is ok REC…we have all been there. Many of us agree we become addicted to the addict, as much as we hate what he does and all the drama. I think we all have a sign over our heads blinking…We will help..we will be there for you..we are what you need, when in fact we cannot help and we should not be there for them and we are not what they need, other than to enable them and give them a warm place to land. Do not feel ashamed or embarrased..Stay in touch and let us know how to help

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  29. Sharon B, you are so awesome. Thank you. That really resonates with me…we should not be there for them and we are not what they need. I think we both thought he needed me. But the reality is, even when I go back to being in his life after periods of removing myself, it is pretty clear that my involvement does nothing whatsoever. I’m not there, he uses, I’m there, he uses, it is no different even if we both had a fantasy that it could be. Why am I wasting my time?

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  30. Rec my heart goes out to to u wot Sharon says is so true gal get a life, as we all know u ain’t got one wid him,must admit ma hubby ain’t done it since March but I throw it in his face all time mental I know can’t help it,used to think my soul n8 my world my life but e ain’t my love 4 him sayin wot e put me throu fuck that gal,listen to us plz zxxxx

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  31. Well, he went ballistic and beat his father up. His father is covered in cuts and bruises and was peeing blood the next day. Thank God, through some miracle the hospital said he is basically okay. Thank God also someone else was there. God knows what could have happened. Their landlord came by and told my boyfriend to get out. As of yesterday he is homeless. I talked to him briefly and asked him to get help. I have no idea what happens next. Friends of ours say he won’t live another year. Right before the fight with his father, he was banging on some gangbangers’ door trying to get his stuff, and they were threatening his life if he didn’t leave them alone. He is messing with the wrong people.

    I’m just praying.

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    • Good lord REC stay away from him! So scary to think of what he could do to you. Do not give in to hi when he comes crying that he needs a place to live. Harden your heart girl. It is one thing to kill yourself with drugs, but when you turn that rage to other people, you are an animal. I listened to someone today saying that drug use, prostitution, gambling ect are victimless crimes….REALLY? read the posts by people here and tell me they are not victims. Every addict has had someone who has loved them who has been grievously hurt by the addict, whether it be physically or emotionally. Every married man who has used a prostitute hurts his wife, whether they know about it or not. Every gambler takes money from his family when he gambles…the important thing REC is that while he has hurt you emotionally, you can heal from that. We all do, one way or another. But to think of him harming you physically is just too scary to even think about. Shaz, my love, I miss your posts. I also hope Al and AP are OK…been a while you two…just one line to let us know you are OK.LOVE AND PEACE TO All!

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  32. Rech u need out gal big time girl, Sharon said it rite, but fuck doin that to his dad! Ur man is proper on self destruct don’t u c that, do u wanna b next ask urself that?wot happens if u got pregnant?b ok for a bit then u wud put urself in danger & baby?think ur man is in two deep gAl,time to get out truth! Wots hap to al&ap?sharon we will hold fort till they come bk lol xxlove&peace to all xxx

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  33. Thank you Shaz and Sharon. I know. It’s scary. Well, he’s in the hospital now and I’m hearing that “I’ll never do it again, I don’t even want it. It stopped being fun a long time ago.”

    It’s weird. After being so in love with him, I’m not sure what I’m feeling now. Disconnected, I suppose..

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  34. Rech we have all been there,I’m married to my addict wen he 1st done it I woz naive didn’t know wot it woz all fun which they make us believe wen found out went mental,think he had stop using now! But feel had the life suck outa me! If I can help sum1 have stop goin throu the pain&hurt I’ll try,so chin up gal xxx

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  35. IM WATCHING MY HUSBAND DIE EVERYDAY, IT IS SO SAD, I FEEL SO HELPLESS, HES BEEN IN TREATMENT SEVERAL TIME JUST TO COME OUT AND RELASP, EVEN HAVING AN ANUISUM WANT STOP HIM, I AM AFRAID THAT I WILL FIND HIM DEAD ONE DAY, THIS DRUG IS SO EVIL, I PLAN TO LEAVE HIM I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE, HE LOOKS LIKE A TOOTH PICK, THIS IS MADDING, BUT I KNOW IVE DONE MY BEST FOR HIM TO NO AVAIL, NOW I MUST TAKE CARE OF ME.

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    • Hi Condanita….you are right sweetheart and you must take care of yourself. If you read through any of the posts, you know that some many of us have been there. So many have lost everything they have, money, health, home, dignity by trying to love them out of their addiction. It does not work. The only one that can save them is themselves. If you have reached the end of your rope, the you just either get him out or you get out. Protect yourself.

      Shaz, Ap, Al and all others, please let us know how you are and give us a wellness check. Love and peace to all

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      • HI Sharon B and all,

        I so apologize for not getting back to all of you. First my cell phone died, then my computer. As I am in a foreign country and those things are very expensive here, I had to wait til someone came with the things I needed and they did, thank GOD and I am so grateful!

        The other reason you hadn’t heard from me is that I had a ruptured appendix and not able to get to any internet place cause I live in the boonies and was dealing with recuperation which was difficult cause they opened me up 4 times and wanted to open me up a fifth time. There were complications afterward…but I am good now, and on the mend.

        Sharon you are getting very good at concisely letting people know how it is in your last post. I have the boyfriend here again who bailed out on rehab after he heard I had complications as I never told him I had a ruptured appendix as I did not want him to leave rehab.

        He is now getting back on the drugs again…weed and crack. I have spent 4 yrs of my life helping him to get off this seemingly non ending cycle of consuming crack…the lying, manipulations, things missing just starting all over again. I did get the motorcycle back he said he hocked, and didn’t sell….but I saw a signed paper that he signed as sold for $400 which he told me he used to buy crack.

        LOST this and just found it again….this computer has a mind of it’s own, just like my soon to be ex boyfriend. Will send this anyway.

        Hugs and kisses to Shaz my mirrored image, to AP, Michael, Paul E. Jacqueline, Michelle and all hoping you had nice holidays. And having a great start to the New yr!
        Al

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  36. Paul, I’ve been keeping up too! It’s unbelievable how similar your story is to my boyfriends, I almost think he is writing it! He binges every 2 weeks and this last one was a good $1200 binge. I Know you have said it, but are you still available for email contact. He won’t speak openly with anyone close to him.. Hoping to get someone who has been were he is to give him something I can’t seem to give to him. Keep up the good work and keep posting how you’re doing! “encouragement in the brokenness”

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  37. Conanita, his to much on it gal!ur rite u got to think ov urself, cuz e don’t, I’m bout 5yrs down the line &still don’t feel right,feel had shit kick outa me, my man been clean 4 time.,but u know wot feel crack as already made its mark,Sharon gal still ere, come on this site most days check in,but seems really quiet ope that’s a good thing! Thoughts wid everyone xxxc

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  38. I hope all is good with everyone…Shaz, Al, Ap and all. Been very quiet here. Wishing all a very Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and lots of love and peace!

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    • Hi Sharon B and all!

      Hope you had nice holidays everyone. Sounds like you did Sharon B. that is so GREAT! You well deserve it. I think I dropped off the map after you went for your first outting with a friend from your home in years.

      I apologize everybody but my electronics died and living in a foreign country …too expensive and had to wait for a friend to bring them over here. Also live in the boonies with no internet cafes or anything really. Then my friend was due to come when my Appendix ruptured. I guess I am lucky to be here according to the surgeon who said it was really grave. Then complications afterward for several months and now on my feet again so don’t worry. Have some other stuff coming up to take care of too that they found on the ultrasound testing but they should be easier to deal with I think….and if it hadn’t ruptured ….would probably never have known about the other stuff I will need to take care of. Preventative medicine…gotta love it.

      Wish it were so easy with the crack…prevent yourself or loved ones from being around it. But as I have read…the high blood pressure seems to be a common thing from watching our mates destroy their lives with this ugly demon. My man as you know has been an addict of crack and weed for many yrs. I have struggled so much and he was just in rehab for 5 months when this appendix thing hit me (he called daily even though I said I was no longer his girlfriend and yes I did, and still do love him and we will see once you get out if you stand on your own two feet whether we can get back together or not). WELL…I had promised him I would let him know if anything else severe ever happened as he was beside himself and almost left rehab when he couldn’t get in touch with me for 5 days that I was in the hospital. I didn’t want to tell him either because I knew he would just leave to take care of me. I managed fine for awhile and he had made me promise I would tell him in the future if ever in the hospital again…well you all know me…I am so honest I couldn’t even white lie when I had to go back in and needed real help….as I had some very bad complications afterward and he left rehab. He did great taking care of me and even climbed a huge mountain 3 hrs in the jungle at night with snakes and stuff with no water or lighting to get to me! I know he loves me and I love him equally.

      He also knows that if I ever had to deal with this crack stuff again he would be gone! Well…you all know the story…he seems to be back on it again and I think since the 1st of the year (new yrs night to be exact)…any reason for that that you can think of people? He had been writing faithfully in a journal about how he would not let this addiction get the better of him…and since the 1st he hasn’t written in it again. Last sunday I found a little piece of aluminium in his things and opened it and not knowing what crack looks like, a white rock is what I found so I am now sure he is back on this evil demon again! I have to boot him out and he just signed the motorcycle back over to me( that my friend helped pay for it to get it back as he will use it like renting it) but the paperwork won’t be filed for a week or so. So I have to play along which I hate to do as I am not a phoney. But this is what crack boyfriends do to you as Shaz says…you begin to become like one…hiding keys as he keeps hiding them from me! My ipod is now missing AGAIN, and I can’t understand why he hasn’t taken my money yet as he has always done in the past. I just can no longer do this again though! I FEEL so guilty too as one gf said recently on here of her boyfriend and when you love them as much as we do and he just got done helping me so much, really he did…but he also knows I refused to have crack around me and now I find it in my home!? Any advice how to break it gently to him that he has to leave? I need to never see him or call me again ever, or I will find myself going right back to him. He knows he has cost me a fortune because I have fed him for years and although his ribs are showing he can eat like 4 people in one sitting and I don’t have the means to support that. He is working but I have never seen the money and the boss says he hasn’t paid him yet and I told him he can’t if he is really a friend of mine or it will just go to drugs and not his meals! He will also blame my friend saying I have something going on with him which I don’t! He arrived on Tues and I had already found the crack on Sunday….but we had not fixed the situation with the motorcycle yet that he sold to buy crack with which was my investment and he had never paid a thing for it. But I may have to get a restraining order on him but the police may not do so because of the last time I did and I let him back in my life since he convinced me he wasn’t using when he always was as he admitted this to me recently.

      Just sick of having to kick him out as he has no where to go and he will start stealing and then off to jail if caught but he is so sneaky that no one ever catches him. I know he is really bad for me when he has decided to continue the use of crack. His anxiety streak is showing and it is horrible to live with. He is bugging my friend to drive him on the motorcycle to the next town and hr round trip to score, telling him it is only weed and not to tell me, but my friend has been here before and said it was a crack house.

      Any ideas: Especially would like to hear from addicts as to how to go about doing this from your mindset because I do not want to hurt him, I love him so much but the love and all I tried to do to help him is turning out to not be enough. Ideas please??? You who know me well, would love to hear from any one really as to do this the best way I can without hurting his pride, his ego, or have him get mean with me as some know he has taken a big knife to me before in one of his LOST STATE OF MINDSET, and also punched me in the right side of my jaw once too. He has not been aggressive at all this time other than grabbing my hands which I raised to defend myself from him getting in my face.

      Thank you all so much and for your concern…guess GOD said it wasn’t my time to go as we have a lot of people to help just here on this site. Wish I could have helped my boyfriend as you regulars on here know how much, how many times I have tried, and what I have put up with. I want peace in my life, and no babysitting or having to be a secret agent either in hiding of finding things and where he has or hasn’t been. This life sucks for him I know, but he has chosen it again. I did not and I do not want it in my life at all any longer. HELP please. Thanks so much.
      Al (my psuedo name, I am a woman)

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  39. Don’t know wots happened to this site,where’s everyone gone?love to say everyone fine no crack,but find that hard 2 believe,we’ll since nov lost my job lost my grandson,my son wants me to b happy&keep giving my husband 1 more chance,will my heart,soul giv up 1 day&say had anoth?time to bail out I think so love to u all,Sharon how’s life?ope u had good xmas&new yr Bbz xxxx

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    • Hey Shaz sweetheart! I am doing just fine. I am not sure what’s going on either. It is either than everyone’s life is really really good or really really not so good. I am praying it is really good. I am so sorry about your grandson. It sounds like the last few months have been tough for you. Breaks my heart. Everything is good here for me. Had a wonderful time for the holidays so do not worry about me. You take care of yourself. Loves of hugs and love for you and to everyone that I have met here! Peace

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  40. FINALLY MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE FROM MY CRACK ADDICTED HUSBAND, IT WAS A VERY HARD THING FOR ME TO DO, I FEEL MUCH BETTER, HE IS STILL BINGING, BAD, I AFRAID THAT I WILL ONE DAY FIND HIM DEAD, HE SAIDS HE WAS GOING BACK IN TREATMENT FOR THE UMPTENTH TIME, HE WIEGHS 90 LBS, I FEEL SO SAD FOR HIM BUT I KNOW THAT I MUST SAVE MYSELF, I PRAY FOR HIS DELIVERANCE

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  41. Condita, Hi. I am right there with you almost. I need to move my man out as he is also losing weight, has been in treatment for half a dozen times and I am not well because of it and neither is anything or anyone I have around me. He puts all of us on edge and has no concern for anything or anyone. It has been so hard and I do love him but I too know I will feel better in most ways, but sad to have to let him go for good. All the best to you and stay strong as Sharon B. always says and it is not your fault or anything with regards to what happens with him next. 90 lbs? REALLY? I am amazed he is still alive at that weight.

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    • 90 lbs may be an exaggeration but he is very thin, I too was always sick and in physical pain but the doctors never found anything wrong, since I left ,there has been no more pain and I feel good, I love him too but I had to start loving me or I knew I was dead, he said he want me back but I know it is not for the right reasons, im ok were I am for now, I pray for him and my strength, but deep down, I know I cant go back

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  42. My advice Condanita is to not go back! Trust me! I have gone back over half a dozen times and each time the flare ups get worse. I want out permanently and am not working on it slowly to do so…to not put my health or life at risk. They tend to focus on something like getting crack and their woman and NOTHING stops them! I pray for you and all the others (men too!) and those with this horrible demon that gives them no peace or strength to fight long term.

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    • I KNOW, AND EACH TIME IT DID GET WORSE AND MORE DANGEROUS, HE SAID HIS MIND TOLD HIM TO STAB ME AND GET HIS MONEY, KNOW ONE WAS ALLOWED TO VISIT ME AT OUR HOME, HE HAS TOTALLY SURRENDERED TO THE DRUG

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  43. I feel for everybody. I relate to those experiences of hiding things from loved ones, watching them turn into a toothpick, and being constantly on edge because of their focus on scoring.

    The worse they get, the harder it is to know what they’re capable of doing. GOOD men all. They must really feel they are going to die without it, there is no other way to explain the heedlessness. A pull so powerful, and even though it’s so omnipresent it causes us to pretend and to engage in subterfuges. I love, adore, my adorable guy. But I also really value my own sanity. I will not be around crack anymore. He might wind up being homeless, but I will not take a chance at having him in my home. People who don’t know anything about crack don’t realize that the addicted are lovable human beings. But it is true that their habit is very dangerous and will take to no end.

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    • YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT THE ONES WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CRAC AND TRULLY DANGEROUS THE ADDICT CAN BECOME, IVE HAD THOSE LOOK AT ME AS IF I WAS JUST BEING HARD ON HIM, NO CLUE OF THE TRUTH ABOUT THE DRUG, I KNOW HES CAPABLE OF KILLING ME FOR IT AND THINK NOTHING ABOUT IT, I KNOW I CANT GO BACK, HE HAS STOPPED TRYING TO GET HELP, ALWAYS TRYING TO CON ME FOR MONEY, HE KNOWS THAT I NOW KNOW HIS CON, I FEEL SORRY FOR THE WOMEN HES NOW CONNING AND THINK THEY HAVE FOUND THE IDEAL MAN, HE IS CAPABLE OF ANYTHING UNAMANGINEBLE, I HAVE SEEN IT, BLEW MY MIND, I THANK GOD I NO LONGER LIVE IN THAT HOUSE WITH HIM, I HAD TO FIGHT AND STRUGGLE TO GET OUT OF THERE. CAN NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN.

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  44. REC I could not have explained it better than you! You are so correct! They are all good men but the drug when without turns them into demons and I do need to get him out before it gets worse again as I have been afraid for my life and people keep warning me that he may kill me and so it is time to get him out. I am doing it slowly and trying to express to him that our time together is over. I know he will go and od with crack when I do, so I will have to put a restraining order and now stick by it this time even if I don’t want to be with anyone else or can’t even see myself with anyone else I just want out.

    As you say Condadita too…he asks for money, knows how to con, is capable of anything and can never trust him and I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can no longer trust my partner. I treat him well, and as I say to him, you don’t treat me well and I can no longer go on like this.

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